Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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