Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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