I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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