im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.