Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
