i just wanna soil my oats bro
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Found the puke drawer
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Randomize
