Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
