I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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