but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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