Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
i used baking grease as lip gloss
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
