I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
