I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
