Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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