The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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