Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
