Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Two words: nipple clamps
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