He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
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Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
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Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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