You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
i need some magic done to my vagina
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
