I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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