Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I want a musical about memes.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
