Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
