Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
