I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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