i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
