I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
