He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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