What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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