how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
