I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
