you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
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