Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
