maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Randomize
