Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
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I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
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Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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