Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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