When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
