Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
