I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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