dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Someone signed my nipple.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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