He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
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If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
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I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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