His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
