that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
