she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
