i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
