Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
