I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
