Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
