a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
