apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
