woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
