i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
