God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
