I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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