Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Even my vagina gasped.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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