I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
