I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
