I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Pants are for mortals
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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