i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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