I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
