You can't special order awesome
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
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