Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
